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After months of prowling Internet chat rooms, posing as the mother of two young daughters, Detective Michele Deery thought she had a live one: “parafling,” a married, middle-aged man who claimed he wanted to have sex with her kids.

But was he just playing a twisted game of seduction?

GUY MY MOM WOULD WANT ME TO DATE: Not applicable HELL TO THE NO: (Not because of the gimp mask. Also the Lacoste shirt seems dated, and not in a good way.) Preppy Gimp—Versatile enough for the country club and the dungeon His Approach/Chat Up Line: “My fly is open.” -Not in that picture it's not. I do not have a foot fetish per se, but I do suffer from Plantar Fasciitis—a painful disorder of the ligaments characterized by inflammation or structural breakdown of the foot. Anyway, the doctor said the best treatment for plantar fasciitis is regular massages and since Popdust’s salary doesn’t allow for luxuries like massages and say, food, I decided to combine this undercover endeavor into a mélange of perverse practicality. His hair was a cascading mane of scarlet splendor and I suspect from the back he could have been easily mistaken for Amy Adams.

Conversation/Rapport skills: Consistent with his fashion sense. And maybe he posted this add in 2008, but that doesn’t change the fact that he is possibly the best guy ever. I found my would-be masseuse in Heinrik, a pint-sized, flame-haired bassist for a Metallica cover band. In related news, the night manager at Curves once told me I look like Jon Voight. Anyway, Amy—I mean Heinrik—was horny for some feet and it just so happened that I had two, so invited him in to admire the splendid canvas that is my diamond dogs.

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